The VelociPastor: Part 2
For my running commentary on the first half of the movie, please click here to read part one! If you’ve already read it or you correctly assume that context will not help this movie make sense, read on.
We continue:
And Father Stewart is now having a dramatic internal monologue with vague references to a mysterious war.
Hey, that looks like the forest in China!
Nice that we're getting some Father Stewart backstory. If only it was actually relevant to the plot of the movie.
Wait, what happened to Father Stewart's lady love?
That's weirdly specific, Ali. Spend 15 minutes a day with each of your eleven children, one of whom is named after me.
Ali nooooo! We barely knew ye!
I'm glad that cigarette isn't going to waste, at least.
"War is war, and war is Hell, and Hell never changes."
This is very moving, but again, what does it have to do with the pastor who can change into a velociraptor?
Wait, is Father Stewart's lady love in ... in Vietnam or ... or wherever this is? Why??
What the FUCK
SHE EXPLODED
ON HIM
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY ARE THEY SO CHILL A RANDOM WOMAN JUST EXPLODED
"I don't think we can do anything for her now, she's too far gone." OH REALLY? YOU THINK? THE WOMAN EXPLODED
"What d'you think she was doing in the forest?" "I dunno. Maybe she was trying to start a family."
Talk about emotionally devastating.
I still don't understand why that flashback was necessary.
I don't think tarot cards are generally used for exorcisms, but what do I know, I guess.
Uh ... no wonder this guy isn't supported by the Catholic church. This is a full-on seance. I mean, I don't think seances are generally for exorcisms either, but I've never exorcised a velociraptor demon before so...
You still think Doug is delusional, Father Stewart?
Noooooo Father Stewart! I think Father Stewart is dead you guys!
Why--why is he laughing? Why? Why?
The Chinese ninjas have Australian accents and now one of them is having a dramatic flashback monologue about his girlfriend.
He was not listening, man.
Oh, they dead.
Where did Doug get all these newspapers and why did he make a newspaper tent?
He has ... definitely already hurt people, Carol. Lots of them.
KISSING THEY'RE KISSING! No high-fives this time.
Ooooh look away it's the sexy times.
This is one of the weirdest sex scenes I have ever seen. What is this lighting? What is this editing? What the heck is this music?? Why are the ninjas there???
Epilepsy warning, jeez! Also, I think that's pretty much the entire movie that just flashed past in five seconds.
Oh no he is not under the blankets.
Oh shoot ninjas!
Since when does Doug know karate?
Aaaand they're kissing again.
So, one of the ninjas they just killed had a rosary, so my new theory is that they were sent as assassins by the Catholic Church to take out Doug. Or, you know, they were somehow using the rosary to identify him? Cause he's a priest?
Heyyyy it's Father Stewart! He's alive! And he has an eyepatch!
The Chinese guy's name is Father Wei Chang and I think he runs some sort of holy school where they also train ninjas called the St. Artemis Academy. It seems like he's maybe behind everything.
Oh, they're Templar Ninja, obviously.
This feels like the Illuminati somehow.
Good, they have special extra-addictive cocaine. So, drug-dealers ... for the church?
This is ... a plan. Get everyone hooked on drugs, cut them off, then they have to go to Christian help groups to deal with it, and bing bang boom you've got an unstoppable religious army!
That is ... that is not what manifest destiny is. At all. What is this movie.
Okay well Father Stewart has been stabbed.
And more laughing
Wait ... wait why did the map catch fire?
"Good thing that ninja told us where the hideout was before he died," says Doug, even though that ninja clearly did not tell them where the hideout was before he died.
He's put on a leather jacket. He means business.
Doug, that is not how you hold nunchucks. Put those away, you clearly don't know what you're doing.
Wait ... the random white guy working for the chinese has a backstory connection to Doug!
BROTHER??????
DOUG HAS A BROTHER??
wHAT?
You know you and Doug have the ... the same ancestors, right, Sam? That's how siblings work.
This has suddenly turned into a cheesy martial arts movie.
Wow, Carol can really handle herself.
Man this family has issues.
Did--wait--did Doug--did Doug just use the--the force? He just grabbed a sword with the force. Since when can he use the force?
Doug did you just stab your brother? He did. He just stabbed his brother.
That's a lot of blood.
Don't smile. Your brother is dead!
Who's this now?
Nooo Carol! Though to be honest she didn't even put up a fight or anything she just stood there.
Hey Doug, remember how you can turn into a dinosaur? Maybe you should do that.
I'm pretty sure that cut is something you can recover from. Like, I'm no doctor, and it would definitely be painful, but I'm pretty sure that's survivable.
These ninjas are super polite, standing around letting them have this moment.
Oh, they're sad too! I suppose it is very moving.
Oh shit you guys are screwed now. Doug is pissed.
I don't know what that pause was but it was definitely intentional and to be fair pretty funny.
You can see the whole dino for the first time and it is a THING of BEAUTY let me tell you.
Oh man Doug just ripped that guy's arm clean off.
This is really some high-quality fight choreography. Maybe some of the best I've ever seen.
wh--what? Did someone just shoot the camera with a bow and arrow and make the special effects go away? Is this a meta ending?
Nope he shot Doug in the leg and the meta effects were just super weird I guess.
Apparently there was a time when China was overrun by lizard warriors. I never learned about that in history class but you know, we here in the west do tend to neglect eastern history.
ROLL CREDITS! THE CHINESE GUY JUST CALLED DOUG "VELOCIPASTOR!" IT'S CANON!
Ohhhhh shit his hands are immune to the antivenom they're still dinosaur hands!
That is definitely not a mannequin head. Not at all. Not. At. All.
You ... you okay, Doug? You seem a little overexcited there. You good?
Wow, that is ... that is convincing. I am convinced.
And it ends on a freeze frame. With a quote: "Only through the elimination of violence, will we finally be able to achieve world peace." - Gandhi
So, is this movie in support of Doug's actions, or is it saying, "don't be like this guy."
Oh shit he is still screaming. That was not the end of the movie.
Oh you just remembered your girlfriend, did you?
She's okay? I knew that was not a fatal wound!
I would not trust that doctor. His waiting room sort of sucks, his headband thing is totally outdated and doesn't fit him, he's wearing surgery scrubs, no gloves, and a stethoscope, and he's literally smoking. Although, he does appear to have D&D miniatures on his waiting room table, so I guess fair enough.
That's so cute, Doug's so excited to see Carol.
That is not a hospital room. That is not where you sit when you're recovering from major surgery.
I think she's fine, you guys.
That dress looks really good on her!
So, Doug's an international fugitive now?
Holy shit a billion dollar bounty?? I'd turn the guy in for a billion dollars. I'd turn myself in for a billion dollars.
Well ... Brendan Steere, I hope you're proud of yourself. I really, really hope you're proud of yourself.
Man. I--there are no words. That was ... that was an experience. I don't even know what to say now.
...
...
Tune in next time?
Just so you can get a really good look, here’s the first poster, which I used for last week’s thumbnail.
And the second poster which I used for today’s thumbnail
And for posterity, I am absolutely required to include the third poster. The epitome of cinema.
