The VelociPastor Part 1
I found a reference to this movie online and was astonished to discover that it actually exists. All I know about it is that it's about a pastor who gains the ability to turn into a dinosaur, and yes, it is an actual movie that actors, editors, and crew were presumably paid to work on. Whether they put it on their resumes afterword, we may never know.
I am so excited.
We begin:
It's rated X! By an all-Christian jury!
This music is so dramatic.
He's preaching on Job. Suffering. I wonder if that's significant.
What the heck is his priest's shirt thing made of? It looks like a cheap polyester party city costume.
Oh, nice, his parents are here! That's exactly how I greet my parents always!
I'm sorry WHAT?? His parents' car exploded but someone forgot to put in the explosion effect so it just says "VFX: Car on fire" on the screen.
Note: I'm only a minute and 21 seconds into this movie.
Nooooooooooooo his parents are deaaaadddd it's so saddddd I feel so emotionally connected to this character I met a minute and a half ago.
What the heck was that transition? Did the camera man fall over?
"Your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you."
That pastor definitely does not know Italian.
"Here, drink more wine." His parents just died, man!
WHAT WHY ARE THEY HUGE WHAT IS THIS
This pastor's logic makes NO sense.
Where are you gonna go, Doug? What's a place where God can't follow?
This hard rock is great. Makes it seem like Doug is gonna get revenge on ... someone? ... for murdering his parents. Also it has the word dinosaurs in it.
Woah, Doug just looked directly into the camera.
Oop he's in a forest.
In China! Those woods are definitely in China.
Oh, look, racism.
That person has a bow! And that arrow should be going nowhere.
Noooo random lady just got shot!
"China is east?" What does that mean, Doug?
She has a thing. Dinosaur tooth? And this random guy definitely does not speak Chinese.
What did he even cut his hand on??
Okay, wait, now he just woke up and the other priest guy is there? Is he in America again?
This is so racist.
"I am ... hungry."
That was one of the most awkward hugs I have ever seen.
He is not okay.
This new lady just said "daddy-o." Just like how real people talk!
That actor looks uncomfortably like someone I know.
His name is Franky Mermaid and he has a comb-over.
That is not the laugh of a sane person.
Doug is doin' real well, guys.
I have no idea what the guy with the gun wants but he's definitely dead now.
IT'S THE DINO
That dinosaur does not look right.
Oh nope he's not dead yet.
Now he is. That's a definite head there on the ground there.
Most realistic Velociraptor 2022.
And Doug's in bed again. Ooh, with Carol, who he doesn't know at all.
He has entered pastor mode which comes across real well when you're half-naked in someone else's bed. "Hello, my child." I mean, really?
She is very definitely making it sound like they had weird sex even though to the viewer this is clearly an awkward miscommunication.
"What are you talking about?" "The time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone." Oh, duh, obviously, yeah, right, I knew that.
Oh, he's not half-naked. He's fully naked. 100%.
That "What?" is meme-worthy.
This man does not have normal human emotions.
Hold up, Doug thinks dinosaurs never existed? What about all the physical evidence and bones and stuff that museums have?
WHAT IS HE WEARING?? Is that really all she had? Really though that dress is so flattering.
He talks like a King James Bible.
You do not know him. How do you even know what kind of priest he is?
Just to clarify, turning into a dinosaur and murdering people is not a Christian thing to do.
Oh thank God he changed.
Oh no, it's Franky Mermaid. In the confessional. What is he even doing here?
What is Franky Mermaid's job, even? Pimp? Assassin?
Oh shiiiit he murdered Doug's parents.
That graphic description is exactly how I remember that scene going.
Welp Doug just stuck his dino arm through the confessional grate thing.
If I was in that church while this happened, I would be very concerned. He just killed that guy. In a church. In a confessional. In the middle of the day. There was a lot of screaming.
You know murdering people is the exact opposite of what the Bible says, right?
"I don't know much about God..." "Well, I don't know much about dinosaurs."
Are there no ... police?
Confirmed, Doug is a psychopath.
Is this supposed to be romantic?
They're gonna kiss! They're gonna kiss! NOPE they HIGH-FIVED!!
They look so happy and fulfilled now!
This montage is honestly a work of art.
Lot of pictures of Jesus here. Not sure he would approve.
They're snuggling on a bench.
Ooh, now we're back to racism. Also, who's this random white dude?
I'm so uncomfortable. Why don't any of the villains know how to laugh like actual people?
They're--they're still laughing.
Mustache Priest is judging Doug for hanging out with a hooker. I'm not sure I trust Mustache Priest.
Doug's books: All About Dinosaurs and Crime 2.
Mustache Priest is suspicious (His name is Father Stewart)
Father Stewart thinks Doug's gay.
Father Stewart thinks Doug's possessed.
"God doesn't want people dead!" "Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead." Further confirmation that Doug is a psychopath.
To be clear, I believe that Father Stewart is 100% in the right here.
Doug is wearing Converse with his priestly robes.
"I had parents once."
Turns out nobody knows how to freaking laugh in this movie and I don't like it.
This is how all my conversations with my parents go..
"Your mom and I will take a drive, we'll pick you up after priest college."
Such a nice, happy family. Too bad they were brutally murdered by Franky Mermaid.
And Father Stewart locked Doug in a room, so now Carol thinks he's standing her up.
Oh, shit, is Father Stewart gonna try to exorcise him off the books?
Who is this now??
Altair is like the epitome of a sexy bad guy who the good guys go to when they need a bad guy.
